Hier een verhaal over een expat in Pattaya, ach, lees zelf, ik ben nog aan het bijkomen van het lachen, maar ik houd dan ook van zeer absurde humor. Waar gebeurd, vers van de pers... .
"Wotcha me old chums.]So today I was feeling somewhat peckish and decided I would like nothing more than to cram 12 inches of meaty, gooey fury down my gullet. Teelack was watching one of her dozy Thai soaps - you know the sort where hi-so bitches scream at each other for two hours so I grabbed her nipple and pulled it as hard as I could to get her attention. I told her I'm off down to Subway for a footlong Italian with Southwest dressing. She looked at me with passing disdain and said nothing.
Off I trot into Subway on Soi Buakhao and order my sandwich with drink, taking a seat at the nearest table to enjoy my fare. This is when it all gets freaky. There is a tall, slightly overweight gentleman at the table opposite mine enjoying what appears to be a 12 inch meatball with all the trimmings, washed down with a supersize coke. He has that slightly jaded look about him, the one that expats get when they have performed just about every perversion they can think of and wanking off to scat porn just isn't doing it anymore. Anyway, the man gets up from his seat and wanders out the side door to the toilet area just around the corner. At this point a ladyboy with huge plastic tits and an arse the size and shape of Jupiter walks across from the spot where (s)he has been systematically harassing every passer by across the street and comes into Subway. Bold as brass ('scuse the pun) (s)he pulls up the hem of the tiny dress (s)he has on, pulls the panties to the side and unfurls a sizeable brown bang stick from between her legs. I'm thinking this must be some kind of TV wind up and I'm looking around to see if I can spot the cameras, when the (fe)male in question casually lowers a good three inches of sweaty, flaccid lady-cock end into the tall mans drink. By this time the Subway staff are basically in tears of fright, excitement and disgust as I nonchalantly chew on my meaty sandwich, albeit with a slight air of curiosity about me. The sandwich artist behind the counter now has her Nokia out snapping pictures - from what I can gather she can't decide whether to use these as evidence or simply send them to all her friends. The geezoid has now had the bang stick dipped in the drink for a good 20 - 30 seconds and pulls it back out just as the owner of the drink wheels round the corner on his way back from the toilets. The lovely ladyboy gives me a demure wink and strides back out of the restaurant and back to her spot on the corner. I immediately finish up my meal and exit the building, sauntering over to the LB to ask what in the blazes that was all about? 
Without missing a beat, (s)he slightly raises one eyebrow and tells me that the tall guy had paid her to do this as he had already tried just about every other sexual practice and this was the only thing that could get him hard anymore. Sure enough, I turned on my heel to take another look at the fella in question and there he was, sipping the coke and surreptitiously wanking under the table - his hand stroking back and forth inside his shorts. By this time one of the restaurant staff had passed out, hitting her head on the floor as she went down and the other was busily trying to explain the situation to a confused Sawang Boriboom EMS call taker...
As I bid the ladyboy farewell (s)he kindly offered to shit on my evening meal for a mere 2,000 baht so I took her number and am still considering the possibility of having her lay a dump on my Big Mac....
The things you see in Pattaya... the mind boggles"
